9 WAYS TO CREATING A PERFECTLY HORRIBLE BOOK

Hello there! First of all, I would just like to officially welcome you to my blog as well as to formally congratulate you for being able to read this far without getting bored. Before anything else, allow me to make a disclaimer:

The following tips/guidelines will in no way at all aid you in your future goals/plans/dreams of becoming an award-winning author/novelist. Instead, these tips might most likely end your career before it would even be given a chance to start. With this, I apologize in advance for any dreams that I might have accidentally ruined in the process. For your safety, please refrain from following the tips listed below (unless having your dreams crushed by unknown blogger from the internet is a thing of yours, then be my guest)

Ever wonder just what makes a book or a novel turn from ‘okay, this seems good’ to ‘how on earth was I even able to tolerate this travesty?!’? Well, keep on scrolling and discover the 9 WAYS YOU CAN DO TO CREATE A PERFECTLY HORRIBLE BOOK:

*Now before anything else, it’s important that you assume the mentality of AN OVERLORD AUTHOR when writing your novel. If you’re asking why, that’s because it’s the basic premise behind all of the following tips; that you’re the author and there’s nothing your sad and unfortunate readers can do about it.

  1. The Pathetic Book Cover

Characteristics: Blinds the readers upon first glance instead of attracts them (which would eventually prompt the readers to return the book back in the shelf while shaking their heads in shame)

A good way to start would be the first thing most readers would see whenever they’d go perusing along the aisles of bookshops: THE COVER! Ever heard of the saying, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’? Well, luckily for you, most book-buyers do!  The trick here would be to find inspiration in those silly little scrapbooks you used to do back when you were in elementary school. To cut to the chase, BE OVER THE TOP! Have your illustrator enjoy the wonders of Photoshop, glitter, and random images! With some luck, your cover might just end up like this:

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OR THIS

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When it comes to book covers, it’s always better in excess—-and in real life! Which leads me to my next suggestion: USING THE IMAGES OF REAL PEOPLE!

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Nothing says ‘I-am-imposing-upon-you-how-my-fictional-characters-should-look-like-thus-limiting-your-imganative-capabilities’ like a book cover graced with images of people (usually teenagers if it’s one of those typical YA fictions) assuming overly-dramatic poses! More often than not, using real people for your book covers could spark seemingly endless debates among fans regarding how your character should look like which is always a good thing for a budding author who might need a little bit of a popularity boost.

2.  The Love Triangle

Characteristics: Heaping tons of one particular dairy product aka LOADS OF CHEESE to the point of being remarkably absurd (and painful to read)

In this day and age, people are obsessed with books that are always about conflicts and when I say conflicts, I mean the overused concept of two-guys-fighting-over-the-same-female-lead conflict!

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The best way to go about this is to focus all your brain cells into creating this love triangle even if it really isn’t the focal point of your story. Be sure to over-sensationalize the conflicts brought about by the love triangle throughout your book. Make it seem as if it’s practically the only thing your novel’s about when in fact it’s not.

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If you don’t exactly feel confident about writing a totally sappy and poorly developed love triangle, it’s always good to browse through other famous works that have popularized this concept (i.e. a particularly popular book series which involves a relatively useless female lead, a sparkly vampire, and a perpetually topless werewolf).

3. “Wait, what just happened?” PLOT DEVICE HAPPENED.

Characteristics: The F*CK LOGIC! and troll factor

There’s absolutely nothing more thrilling and exciting than a book chock full of plot twists. The main driving force behind such plot twists are usually what we call plot devices. In simple terms, a plot device is something you’d use in order to create a plot twist. But an unnecessary use of such plot device would ultimately lead to your unknowing betrayal of your readers which would consequently end up in outraged cries from your fans.

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(Fans who felt lied to after you’ve clearly written down the dramatic death of one of your characters only to bring them back to life in the most absurd and pathetic way possible.)

A good way to start formulating about the sort of plot device you should add in your story would be to think outside the box. Be open to any sort of possibility out there! After all, these characters are fictional AND it’s your world. You can kill them AND bring them back to life in any manner of your choosing.  You can even give them the most logic-defying combination of superhuman abilities just for the sake of it!  Remember, the more impossibru it is—–

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THE BETTER!

4. Exercising utmost laziness: The Poor Character Development

Characteristics: Characters you would probably want to burn at a stake

What’s one really excellent way to ruin a perfectly good plot? REALLY PATHETIC CHARACTERS.

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Why, you ask?

It’s been proven countless of times that character developments in books have played a key role into turning otherwise plain and overused stories into something interesting and enjoyable for the readers. But then again, that’s not what we’re aiming for here.

The technique to poor character development would be to approach it in the most relaxed manner you could possibly can.  Just don’t think about what sort of morals your character should possess or just what kind of intriguing past he/she should have. All that matters is that you make that character just so outrageously one dimensional or linear and there you have it! Voila! A totally poor manner of characterization has just been executed. Remember, the key thing to keep in mind would be to make sure that your character stays the same all throughout the story. If he’s introduced as this insensitive douche in chapter 1 of your first book, make sure he stays that way until the last chapter of your 42042347237th book—-unless, of course, he dies some sort of violent death (which I expect you’ll eventually act upon by bringing him back to life with some sort of plot device).

5. A wild character just appeared!

Characteristics: The facepalm-inducing character

Believe it or not, your power as an author is not limited to your ability to use ridiculous plot devices and create totally lame characters that would eventually force your readers to toss your novel into the nearest trash bin. Nope. You are actually entitled to doing so much more like, I don’t know, CREATE RANDOM CHARACTERS OUT OF THE BLUE?

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Indeed. Nothing says ‘power’ than the ability to rudely assert the existence of an absolutely useless character smack dab in the middle of your story. It’s important to note that the best way to do this would be to introduce the said useless character just when your story is at its climactic stage (otherwise known as the ‘revelation of secrets’ and ‘OMG’ stage). Despite how easy that may seem, it really isn’t. Here’s an illustration I took the liberty of making for your benefit (I apologize in advance for my poor MS paint skills):

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I’d like to believe that my illustration has sufficed at this point.

Let’s move on.

6. That Escalated Quickly! (The fast and equally furious plotline)

Characteristics: As if you literally crammed your entire novel in one evening, right before your editor comes knocking on your door asking for it the next day.

Speedy plotlines which usually leave readers breathless and on the edge of their seats are quite often fun. That’s basically one of the appeals that some writers possess. But once misused, your readers would still be left breathless alright—- breathless after hanging around that noose they’ve tied around their necks after attempting to kill themselves because of how atrocious your plotline has gotten.  And if you are able to successfully do that, then I applaud you. But if you’re still struggling with this aspect of ruining your plot, fear not! It’s actually really simple:Image

FORGET EVERYTHING AND WRITE AS FAST AND AS RECKLESSLY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

Just pretend that you have this time bomb strapped onto you and that if you somehow don’t manage to finish your novel in 5 minutes or less, the bomb’s going to explode.  See? How easy was that?

7.The Fanfiction Treatment

Characteristics: Writing is compromised because of sucking up to the readers (aka FANSERVICE)

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If you read and/or write fanfic, then I guess you can very well skip this part already since I think you already know what I’m talking about.

BUT if you’ve never encountered fanfiction ever before in your entire life, then allow me to first introduce to you just what fanfiction is. In a nutshell, fanfiction is something you end up creating when you are just so overwhelmed with feels which are more often than not induced by your incredibly intense emotions for a certain book, movie, and/or TV series. Have you ever tried making up little stories that you wished could have happened in that movie/series/book you’ve just watched/read? Well, that my friend, is when a fanfiction (or fanfic) is born.

Now I know what you’re thinking. If you’re the author, then how can something I write be considered a fanfic in manner? Debates have been raised regarding this issue as to whether authors influence fanfiction or if it’s actually the other way around. The thing is, it doesn’t matter. The basic foundation to a fanfic writing style, in general, is the overall disregard for a substantial plot.

If you still don’t get this, then I suggest you read a fanfic or two. Trust me. You’d get it in no time.

8. Continuity Error

Characteristics: Basically aims to bring about unnecessary confusion among the readers

What do you think is the common problem among most budding writers whenever they make an attempt at writing? (in which said problem has been the reason as to why most writers just give up before they even start).

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DETAILS.

Formulating crucial details for your novel is most definitely worth a lot of work, which is exactly why you should just disregard that and commit CONTINUITY ERRORS!

What’s a continuity error, you ask? It’s basically saying somewhere along the middle portion of your book that your female lead has ‘long lustrous jet black hair’ when in fact you’ve already mentioned somewhere in chapter 1 that she’s bald. As a result, you just might be greeted by a mass of confused and equally bewildered readers. But hey! Like I’ve mentioned before, what you say goes. If you decided that your female lead should grow long lustrous jet black hair in the middle of your story, then why shouldn’t she?

 9. “It was all just a dream”: The Dream Sequence

Characteristics: Can probably spur an angry mob of readers who would very well want to see you dead

Your novel has finally reached its climax. The readers are tensed and excited. They are brimming with emotions to the point that they are so close to turning on their laptops and expressing all their feelings in the most explosive manner possible. The story has basically reached that stereotypical moment in which your readers are left wondering whether or not your main protagonist is going to make it out alive in that oh-so cliché life-or-death portion of your novel when suddenly; the protagonist stirs from a deep sleep and realizes that everything that happened in the course of your novel was all just a dream.

You:

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Readers:

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This, my friend, is called the dream sequence and is very well something you’d want and/or should do if you wish for endless death threats to stack up on your doorstep. It’s also the worst way you can end your book which is exactly why I highly encourage you to at the very least commit this taboo if ever you’ve decided to disregard any of my previous tips.

Conclusion:

It’s a known fact that in everything you do in life, it’s so much easier to do things wrong than to do them right.  Having said that, writing a novel (as you might have noticed) really isn’t a walk in the park. It takes dedication, passion, concentration, and a deadly combination of energy drinks and Cheetos. So, in conclusion, the best way to make a perfectly horrible book would be to NOT care about your audience. The reason why authors pour in so much time into making their books is because they want their creations to be worth all the time and money their readers are willing to invest on their books. Douche-authors are those who usually commit some or even all of those  I listed above because well, they don’t really give a damn about their readers.

So just exactly what is it that I’m trying to say here? Authors are powerful, and with great power comes great responsibility. Abuse that power and you can just become the next award-winning author for the most atrocious book to have ever been created.

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